I have been trying to decide whether or not to share this recent personal experience (because that is not usually my thing) but after thinking about it, more reasons FOR me to share than NOT arose. A few of those reasons being A) If just one other person has been through/is going through/will be going through this experience finds any sort of comfort or feels less alone to read this then it was TOTALLY worth posting. B) I have been M.I.A. for some time now and somehow still have an amazing group of readers who have diligently come back everyday/week to check and see if I had posted anything new lately. Not to mention the friends and acquaintances that are surely wondering why I am not my usual social self… and to be honest, this feels like the perfect place to explain. I don’t say that because this is a once removed outlet for me to share personal things and not talk about it… because BELIEVE ME I’ve definitely had to talk about it a lot, but it’s a good place for people to read and not have to deal with the uncomfortable decision of “sooooo this is kinda heavy… how should I respond to her?” No! You get to read it and deal with it however you like! 

During mid-fall of this year, after our first real try, Josh (the huzz) and I found out that we were pregnant. Super excited, and a little nervous of course, we began changing our routine… well, actually mine more than his hahaha but that’s to be expected. We also had a lot of traveling to do during weeks 7-10 which was actually kind of nice because the beginning of the first trimester went by a little quicker that way (except for the five flights with nausea… and no wine to take the edge off! haha). When we got home from our trip we had our first ultrasound (10 1/2 weeks) and although it does not run in either family found out WE WERE HAVING TWINS. WTF our jaws hit the floor. Josh was elated. I was terrified. Haha. After some time though, I definitely took on the same elation and we both were ready for a super unique and overwhelming experience of two little ones at once! 

A few weeks later, during our ultrasound with the specialist for part one of the downs and other chromosomal disorders test we found out that contrary to original belief, our twins were in the same sac (mono-mono, or momo) which is the rarest of twins… other than conjoined which is the most rare. We were told that day that they were growing fast and wonderfully, had passed the downs/chromosomal test, and had super strong heartbeats BUT that we were looking at a very long and high-risk road because their cords had tangled. Basically either A) we make it to 22-24 weeks and I am admitted into the hospital to be monitored (for up to 2 1/2 months) and have the twins pulled out if in danger and put in the NICU. OR their tangle worsens before then and they cut off one another’s supply and don’t make it.

So we took that information home and began to process it. It was the pits but at the same time it felt good to be well informed and prepared for the worst. You know, you are either looking at two adorable identical twin premies at the end of this whole thing… or nothing at all. It’s an interesting place to be… like you are on a tight-rope and either your life changes forever with your family doubling in size! Or you go back to being a non-pregnant person. It’s truly crazy… Also there is LITERALLY NOTHING you can do to help the process go either way. There’s no spinning machine they can put you in to untangle them… or the option to consume less sugar so they wrestle/dance around less lol. Also, also we had made it to 12,13,14 weeks with otherwise thriving babies which is usually when people start sharing the news with the public, but we had to pull back on what was a pretty awesome announcement done by our dear friend and internet famous guy Jonpaul Douglass… That, being the easiest part to swallow though of course… (Let me add how grateful we are for that guy’s talent and friendship… as well as his beautiful fiancé)

Another thing that comes along with high-risk pregnancies like mine are WAY more frequent ultrasounds and a slightly more nervous feeling before each one. It was the longest few weeks of all time… and after all that, at 15 weeks we found out that the tangle had in fact worsened and although they were otherwise healthy, we had lost them.

It’s a strange feeling when you have prepared yourself for an awful outcome like this. You think, “Hey, we were prepared for this”, and “this is just saving us from a longer and more painful road in the future” …. which is true… but it still f@cking sucks a$$. I mean, by this time you have names picked out and your family has undoubtedly overloaded you with adorable twin clothes (esp with Christmas in the mix haha) … and you start looking at yourselves as “parents of twins”. Well, not anymore, and after some time and definitely after the removal procedure. It begins to be OK. Now I am very aware that the process is nowhere near over and we will still be dealing with this for a while (in some ways a lifetime) but I am going to tell you what is, for me, the MAJOR contributing factor to all of that being OK.

Aside from our comfort and strength in the Lord, is MY HUSBAND. Holy crap. I can’t tell you how many tough things we’ve faced (this probably being the most difficult) and EVERY TIME without doubt we immediately become more tight-knit, and I mean immediately … not after we’ve swallowed the info, or after the dust has settled, or after one argument and a good cry to get the emotions out… Nope. Absolutely immediately we become closer and stronger and begin to move forward through everything together. I never knew a relationship like this could exist. If you see my husband out and  about, please give him an award and a sash or something because he is hands down one of the most positive, supportive, prayerful, hilarious, and sensitive souls on two legs. Not to mention complimentary, the stuff he says to me should be published in an extended version of “The Notebook,” or whatever CRAZY romantic book you like. Also, he is HOT, but we all already knew that hahahahah.

And next to him making this all ok, is our AMAZING group of friends and family. We SURE felt the love in the weeks of all this happening. I mean, look at the physical proof (and that’s not even the half of it)! Not to mention the sweet texts, calls, and visits. We are so so grateful for everyone. Truly.

So. That’s the story. If you made it this far I commend you for sticking with this long, dreary post. Oh! And if you’re wondering about when we’ll try again I’ll just say we’re planning a trip to Europe before we do that :). Love you guys!

Something involving a lot of this… (where is the heart-eye emoji when you need it)